Yabba dabba doo time

They had some kind of gay march in DC over the weekend, and I don’t mean a lot of light hearted people singing show tunes. Or, maybe I do. I’m sure it was quite festive. It gave Baracula a preview of his upcoming military, I suppose.

But I gotta say, dudes, please, spare me. It’s not a civil rights issue into which particular set of noxious body orifices you wish to place your organs, or to what degree of bizarre flex you are willing to subject yourself. No, it’s a matter of what lengths you are willing to go to achieve ejaculation, and nowhere, even with the closest reading of the Constitution, do I find that protected by the Bill of Rights. And don’t get all Commerce Clause on me and say “pursuit of happiness.” Your willingness to do unspeakable things to yourself and others for the sake of your fifteen seconds of bliss does not fall under happiness anymore than does a heroin overdose.

“But Schlub! It’s not a choice, it’s who we are and you have to accept us.“ Uh, no, I don’t. Your urges to splay another man’s hairy rear end is not something I have to accept or tolerate or feel anything but utter contempt about. As far as I’m concerned, you are no different than a guy who marries a goat. And please don’t try that “gay gene” crap. You may very well have strong overwhelming urges to be spiked by another man, but urges do not justify, no more than urges by NAMBLA to spike 8 year old little boys justify that behavior.

What you won't admit is that your gayness is nothing more than arrested development. See, all of us went through that He-Man Women Hater’s Club period, but most of us outgrew it. You never did, because you like your ejaculation more than you like anything else. See, with girls, in order to maneuver them into a willingness to assist with that ejaculation, you gotta be nice to them. Buy ‘em things. Show you will be sticking around for the inevitable babies born of that ejaculation assist. Your attitude is, ‘the heck with that, I just want to ejaculate,’ so you find a like minded guy and you selfishly pound each other in untoward ways and fool yourselves that you’ve got a relationship, that you love each other.

Uh uh.

You just love your stiffie.