Letter

Dear President-elect Hopeychange,

I've spent the majority of my life fighting to prevent a Marxist takeover of the United States, so you must forgive me if I'm a bit disconcerted by your recent election. Apparently, a little over half of us thought electing you would be cool. Because of the very successful efforts of your friends Bill Ayres and Robert Klonsky, doing something because it's cool has become pretty much the intellectual standard for the vast majority of the publicly educated (good thing you avoided that, hey?) so, well, I guess I shouldn't be too surprised. If it wasn't one empty suited, unremarkable and completely unworthy shill they voted for, it would have been another.

So, there is going to be a measure of hostility between us, I'm afraid, and it's going to be pretty evident. Since your supporters have spent the last eight years saying absolutely the most vile, sneering, self righteous, and contemptible things about conservatives with very little in the way of amelioration, I'm kind of feeling turnabout is fair play and will use the same tactics. Calling you an abortion-loving Marxist doesn't seem out of line to me, in light of what goes on the DailyKos. Should you find my expressions offensive, let me know and I'll wait to see if there is a lessening of your side's vitriol. If so, I'll tone mine down, too.

But, I doubt that'll happen. See, your side thinks a sneering laugh is identical to a sense of humor. All of your jokes are of the belittling kind, and I don't mean the Don Rickles hocky puck stuff, which is kind of harmless. No, you guys like to laugh at someone because they couldn't afford Harvard or had to join the military to eat or end up living in some place like Pennsylvania where they're all redneck racists that cling to their guns and religion. When one of your top comedians, say Lewis Black, makes one of his George Bush zingers, the resulting audience hilarity is with a turned down mouth and an ugly squinting eye, you know, "hu hu hu, that George Bush is so stooooopid!" Really, let's turn it around, for example, that Ted Kennedy, man, if he'd been dating Esther Williams he'd be president. Not very nice, you see? So, why don't you get your side to downplay that kind of stuff and then I will.

I'm going to write you letters and post them on my site. There's zero chance you'll see them, but that's a better chance than me actually getting through to you in the mail. I'm going to cover just about every clunkheaded thing you do, like that very lame joke about Nancy Reagan and the seance. I mean, come on, isn't Axelrod writing your material anymore? Do I need to make Coretta Scott King jokes in return? Really, dude, get a clue.

'Course, covering your clunkheadedness may cease if you actually do something to impress me. You know, drill for oil, lower our taxes, not suspend the Bill of Rights, stuff that makes sense. I mean it. If by, say, next December, civil war has not broken out because you've decided to nationalize the oil industry or do something else dear to your collectivist heart like confiscate the nation's 401ks to finance free lobster dinners for the homeless, then I might actually start thinking you are an American, instead of just playing one on TV. If you're only half as bad as Clinton, we might actually be okay with each other, 'Course that would mean you did nothing but lie to your dull witted supporters just to get elected. You didn't do something like that. Did you?

Until then, I remain your bestest friend,

Schlub