Letter

Dear Wolf Blitzer,

Hello! How are you? I was in the unfortunate position all last week of watching only CNN. I say “unfortunate” because I have not liked your network since the 90’s, when it deservedly earned the “Clinton News Network” sobriquet. I think “Commie News Network” is a bit more accurate, but I don’t get to make those decisions.

So, like I said, I found myself watching you a lot more than the one or two seconds I usually give your promotional spots before I switch to something more intelligent, like the Cartoon Network, and, of course, the experience reasserted earlier conclusions that CNN is just Pravda but, I gotta tell ya, the extremes you'll go to disguise your collectivist and elitist stance is just over the top. I mean, wow, the professorial beard and ‘stache and suit and portliness, designed to convey a kind of academician background fooling people into thinking you must be truly objective because you’re like, you know, a teacher or something, to the one or two seemingly objective questions your writers salt in once or twice an interview so you can make a claim of impartiality. Seriously, dude, who do you think you’re kidding?

Certainly not me.

For example, the other week when Obama called out the Supreme Court over Obamacare…you know, when he said it would be unprecedented for the SC to overturn legislation? (hello, Roe vs Wade, anybody?). So, okay, what do you do? You bring on Jeffrey Toobin. Jeffrey freakin’ I-Want-to-Marry-Obama Toobin.

Couldn’t you find someone with, say, objectivity?

Oh, right, forgot. CNN.

Anyways, the gist of Toobin’s explanation is that we Great Unwashed do not have the sophistication or grasp of nuance necessary to understand what Baracula said, that if we, too, attended Harvard and learned the subtleties and implications of Great Thought that Obama had (and that Toobin gets), then we would have certainly realized that Obama was not in any way challenging the Constitutional authority of the Surpeme Court. Oh no, he was merely expressing a concern that the Court would do something drastic and actually overturn a legislative act (see previous Roe vs Wade reference). Heaven forfend!

And you didn’t immediately wipe the floor with Toobin, like even a half-assed real reporter would have done?

Oh, right. Forgot. CNN.

Your friend,

Schlub