We're All Gay Now

According to the news and Hollywood and polls and Republican leadership, that is. I doubt it. Methinks there is, instead, some creative polling going on, along with wishful thinking and the normal idiocy that is a hazard of being young. Which is puzzling, because, really, gay? Are you serious?

I put homosexuality in the same category as pedophilia, incest, bestiality, whatever we used to think was degenerate behavior (I say "used to think" because there's been some movement along those lines, too). It's like marrying a goat. And this does not make me homophobic. Not in the least. I have absolutely no fear of homosexuals. I am, instead, rather contemptuous of them.

Call me, then, homoscornic.

My attitude can be summed up in Sam Kinison's rather poignant question: How can a man look at another man's hairy ass and find love? Seriously, how? Men, at best, are just functional, while women, even the worst of them, are works of art. Stand a naked man and a naked women next to each other and note where the symmetry and beauty lie. And which parts actually fit together, indeed, seem to be DESIGNED to fit together. With ease. Not with a lot of effort and Vaseline.

I regard homosexuality as nothing more than arrested development. Gay guys never really got past the "Girls are icky" stage, and remember their middle school circle jerks with great fondness. They developed such a regard for ejaculation that they are willing to find another man equally in love with his and do unspeakable things to each other in order to achieve it. And they think that's love.

It isn't. No one over 14 mistakes orgasm with love...well, at least they didn't before the 30 year effort to reduce all relationships to mere orgasm. And since we all now believe that all relationships are measured primarily by the amount and level of sex contained therein, then a homosexual's particular brand of ejaculation is just one shade of gray. So why can't they get married?

Why can't brother and sister? Brother and goat?

Oh, tut, says the gay lobby, a goat or a child can't enter into a contract so marriage with them would never happen.

Yeah? Just give it some time.

And, please understand, because I am scornful of you doesn't mean I want to put you gay guys in jail or stone you or burn you at the stake or anything. You wanna be gay, knock yourselves out. Broadway is a better place because of it. Set up house together. Have a ball. Or two.

But don't think for a second I will ever consider you legitimate, even if the Supreme Court loses what's left of its mind and sanctions your marriage. You can't make a horse a Senator. Lots of horses' asses are, but no actual horses. And no gay guy will ever be anything more to me than a guy in love with another guy's hairy ass.

Now, lesbians. You're okay. Just take a lot of pictures.