Letter

Dear Governor Romney,

Pretty much in the bag, ain’t it? Stunning, I’ll bet. After all, we real conservatives don’t hold you in the highest regard (that whole Romneycare thing), and it’s supposed to be another Tea Party year. But there you are, only a fat lady song away from being President. You’re probably crediting your campaign, your campaign manager, the Republican National Committee, your scintillating speeches and Ken-doll looks, for that, but you shouldn’t.

It’s just a matter of timing.

Now timing is nothing to sneeze at. Mostly it’s a skill, requiring measures of patience and decisiveness and cojones, and Schlub is the master of it (por ejemplo, I managed to sell a house and retire a lot of debt just before things went into the crapper). You don’t evince a lot of decisiveness, and your cojone-ness seems on the diminished side, but you do have a fair amount of patience. And all good things come to those who wait.

Because the time is now. Marxists took over the Presidency and Congress and, after three years of torching the countryside, we real Americans have had enough.  Whatever social issues divide us, we thoroughly understand that electing Democrats to office this November is tantamount to joining the Soviet bloc, so we will, en masse, vote Republican. That you happen to be the candidate is just a fortuitous situation.

For you. Not for us.

See, you emerged from a field of midgets. Any one of them —Newt, Santorum, Paul— would win just as big as you’re going to this November. Heck, an infected toe would win. So don’t be thinking you’re the next Reagan or something.

You’re not.

The big disqualifying factor, the one thing making you the candidate of timing rather than time, is that you believe government is the answer. To everything. Now, you are definitely a nice guy, good family man, brilliant businessman, and you do believe in individual rights. But you, and the rest of the Republican Party, still consider legislation and bills and laws and regulations to be the answer to all of mankind’s problems. Oh sure, you do it from a conservative perspective, still regard private property and freedom as paramount, but you still want to manage all of that from DC.

See, Gov, we conservatives have had enough of government. We don’t want you to help us, make our lives better, look after us. We can do that ourselves. We want you to leave us alone.

And while you’ve promised to eliminate Obamacare, change the tax code, and get rid of regulations, you still have a penchant for universal healthcare of some kind, some kind of income taxes, and other kinds of regulations. It’s a better kinder approach, but it’s akin to sharpening the guillotine so the peasants won’t suffer. Know what I mean?

No, you don’t. Which is why this is the last election I vote for Republicans. I will be joining a third party on November 7^th and voting neither Dem nor Rep in 2012.

But at least you get to be President. Once.

Your friend,

Schlub

Expelled

The sheer genius that is Community continues apace, with that astonishing tribute to Starburns and subsequent disciplinary action.

E Pluribus Anus.

Assemble

Avengers, that is.

Schlub and Baby Schlub went to the Mighty Marvel Marathon at Tyson's Corner, preceding the midnight release of The Avengers. What an absolute blast. Iron Man, Cap, the Wasp, Hulk, Thor, and Black Widow were there. What's funny, Iron Man told me none of them knew each other, they just all happened to show up appropriately dressed. Wasp and I advised Widow that she really wasn't an Avenger, never was, but she is so kick-ass she gets a by.

And then the movie...

Schlub, and every other Marvel True Believer, has been waiting 50 years for this movie.

Masterpiece. 

Bumper Stickers

Romney: Can't be any Worse.

Vote Democrat, comrade.

Vote Obama: China can Use the Money.

Reagan, Carter...no brainer. Romney, Obama...ditto

Astronomy 102

The May issue of Astronomy (apparently, they’ve broken the time barrier) had this other article, “What has astronomy done for you lately?” which lists some recent consumer benefits from astronomical research. Apparently, the editors are miffed that we Great Unwashed are objecting to shelling out even more of our hard-earned tax money to fund their favorite projects, like the $8 billion James Webb Space telescope. So, a Better Living Through Chemistry piece.

Talk about reaching.

They attribute GPS to Einstein. See, he was sitting around one day thinking about warps in space/ time and, presto, we end up with GPS satellite systems. I always thought it was due to the military wanting a more precise way of dropping a missile on Ivan, but, no. Einstein musings.

Same for wireless internet, which originated in Stephen Hawkings thoughts about black holes; gold as a possible cancer therapy from snits over sun elements (you have to read it); and accurate laser eye surgery from the Webb’s cost overruns.

Wow.

All of which is like claiming heat pumps originated with Cro-Magnons smacking flint and granite together.  I get it, you want more of our money, but, dudes, you’re going to have to get more LoS if you expect us to buy the argument.

Think Tang and Teflon.

Astronomy 101

Schlub is a reader of the science publication Astronomy, more from a “it’s good to have been here” perspective than anything. I’m clueless about the math, the physics baffle me, and I couldn’t tell a quark from a boson, but they have pretty pictures and star charts. Afterwards, we’ll get ice cream.

The mag tends, though, to the smug, especially when regarding the non-astrophysicist community. F’rinstance, the lead article this month was “What Happens When we Detect Alien Life?” (a rather slob-appeal title, IMHO. Mayhaps hoping for a few off-the-rack sales?). The whole thing was rather giggly over the concept, and you could just see the writers smacking knuckles together in gleeful anticipation of what such an event would do to all those slope-headed fundamentalist Christians out there.

But I can’t help wondering what their reaction would be if the first message we get from Mars is, “Have you heard the word of God today?”

Now, that would be fun.

Letter

Dear Wolf Blitzer,

Hello! How are you? I was in the unfortunate position all last week of watching only CNN. I say “unfortunate” because I have not liked your network since the 90’s, when it deservedly earned the “Clinton News Network” sobriquet. I think “Commie News Network” is a bit more accurate, but I don’t get to make those decisions.

So, like I said, I found myself watching you a lot more than the one or two seconds I usually give your promotional spots before I switch to something more intelligent, like the Cartoon Network, and, of course, the experience reasserted earlier conclusions that CNN is just Pravda but, I gotta tell ya, the extremes you'll go to disguise your collectivist and elitist stance is just over the top. I mean, wow, the professorial beard and ‘stache and suit and portliness, designed to convey a kind of academician background fooling people into thinking you must be truly objective because you’re like, you know, a teacher or something, to the one or two seemingly objective questions your writers salt in once or twice an interview so you can make a claim of impartiality. Seriously, dude, who do you think you’re kidding?

Certainly not me.

For example, the other week when Obama called out the Supreme Court over Obamacare…you know, when he said it would be unprecedented for the SC to overturn legislation? (hello, Roe vs Wade, anybody?). So, okay, what do you do? You bring on Jeffrey Toobin. Jeffrey freakin’ I-Want-to-Marry-Obama Toobin.

Couldn’t you find someone with, say, objectivity?

Oh, right, forgot. CNN.

Anyways, the gist of Toobin’s explanation is that we Great Unwashed do not have the sophistication or grasp of nuance necessary to understand what Baracula said, that if we, too, attended Harvard and learned the subtleties and implications of Great Thought that Obama had (and that Toobin gets), then we would have certainly realized that Obama was not in any way challenging the Constitutional authority of the Surpeme Court. Oh no, he was merely expressing a concern that the Court would do something drastic and actually overturn a legislative act (see previous Roe vs Wade reference). Heaven forfend!

And you didn’t immediately wipe the floor with Toobin, like even a half-assed real reporter would have done?

Oh, right. Forgot. CNN.

Your friend,

Schlub