Letter

Dear President Hopeychange,

By now, you've probably realized you're not in Kansas, er, Illinois, anymore. Too bad you didn't come up with that realization somewhere in your first two or three weeks of campaigning (when was that, two years ago?), but, now it's too late. You're stuck. That sinking feeling in your stomach? Epiphany. You're out of your league.

See, that's the problem when you think promotion is merely the obtaining of position. You got to be Harvard Law review chief because it's a cool sounding job. You got to be Illinois State Senator because that sounds pretty cool, too. Senator and President? Well, gee!

But, like all Prom Kings, the moment after you're elected, you're done. Prom King walks around on Inauguration Night going "Hey, this is cool." Next day, he goes back to class and football practice. Sure, his bitchy girlfriend is all proud for a day or two and maybe a couple of other girls are making overtures, but, a week later, it's really done. Yeah, there'll be a picture in the yearbook, but that'll only play at the ten and fifteen year reunion: "Hey, remember when I was Prom King?" "Yeah, man, cool. What are you doing now?"

So, what are you doing now? I'll tell you- proving all of us who saw you as nothing but an unworthy empty suit, right.

But, in the interests of the nation, which needs to survive you somehow, I'm going to give you some advice that might make your reign as Prom King a little better. Follow me here:

1. Don't trust Pelosi or Reid. On anything. Don't take a single bill they offer. Don't let them make any amendments to any bills at all. Knock them in the head a couple of times, in fact. They are a couple of idiots. You should know that; you served with them.

2. Stop speaking extemporaneously. Your true idiocy emerges when you do. That performance at the private retreat you and the Dumbocrats went to on your private planes? Pathetic. My jaw actually dropped in astonishment. I mean, I knew you weren't that bright but, Jesus! That little performance convinced me we'll have civil war in about six months, because you're, obviously, looking to set people against each other. Knock it off.

3. Give up your pet theories. Seriously, give them up. All those ideas of negative rights and the individual giving way to the mass was really cool in your Master's Seminars. A bunch of you standing around with your white-haired distinguished-accent professor sipping Earl Grey and speaking about modes of alienation, cool, great. But absolutely none of it applies to real life. You know full well that cutting taxes on people who actually pay taxes is the only way to get a stimulus going. Stop being an idiot.

See, Hopeychange, once you become an adult, you have to put childish things behind. You've had an extraordinary long run as an adolescent. If you still wanted to be one, you shouldn't have become president. That put you in the big leagues.

Act like it.

Your friend,

Schlub