The real speech last night before a joint session of Congress

Peasants and vassals,

By now, you've realized how badly you screwed up by electing me. Some of you thought I was a Communist and, surprise! I am. I mean, look at how much of your money I just stole with the stimulus package! And this Recovery Act, oh man. You suckers will be paying the bills of illegal aliens and scofflaws for at least the next three generations. Too much, too much.

Now that is a pretty good start, but there's still lots to do before I have all of you in my power. I'm now going to make a move on healthcare, energy, and education. Healthcare first. It's real simple- once you reach 65 years old, we're going to kill you. Snuff you out. Soylent green is people! I love that movie.

Energy. Well, this is going to tie in to health care because there isn't going to be any energy so you'll have to walk everywhere and go to bed at dark. It's healthier.

And last, education. Tell you the truth, there isn't a whole helluva lot more I can do with it. It's working great. I mean, you elected me. But I do promise the Barack Obama Memorial schools will get new textbooks. We will teach your children what a racist country America is, despite last November (can I get a shout out to my homey Eric?), and that Jews and white people with Roman noses are responsible for all of the bad things that ever happened to any of the good, honest, natural people of color throughout the world. White people kill puppies, you know. Your children will learn new hymns of praise to the reborn Socialist Man and will sing it every day before going out to cut the sugar cane. That's also healthy.

So, thanks again for your vote, your money, your stupidity. I'll be coming by later to take your house and give it to some friends of mine.