Letter

Dear President Hopeychange,

I can’t quite figure you out. You seem to be two different people. One is the naïve, student council president just gushing with all the milks of human kindness, burning with the zeal of what you think are new ideas, world peace, world sharing, love and harmony, let the sunshine in. The other is a rabid, evil eyed power monger bent on domination and control. Which is it?

Can’t be both. There is no blend of the two. You can’t be a wide-eyed fawn in the forest while throwing your opponents into concentration camps. A raging dictator screaming five hour speeches while having school kids sing hymns to him doesn’t turn the other cheek to nuclear Iran. So, which is it?

I’m guessing neither.

That you run so weirdly hot and cold I consider additional evidence that you are just a front man. You’re taking marching orders, and sometimes those orders conflict so you look schizophrenic. One group demands fascist health care now, another demands world peace, and you get the signals crossed, you know, looking like Hitler at home and Chamberlain abroad, then Chamberlain here and, well, not quite Hitler over there, more like de Gaulle. You get my drift.

Wouldn’t you like to be your own man? Seriously? I mean, you know government health care is ridiculous and you’re more inclined to go with the Republican solution, eliminate state restrictions, allow portability, that kind of thing. But, oh man, what they would DO to you if you agreed with the Republicans! Nah. Better stick with the program, try to please the competing groups, try not to look like a complete idiot.

‘Cause, if you were your own man, you wouldn’t be President.

Your friend,

Schlub