President Obama's Initial Address to the Nation's School Children

My future minions,

It is good to see all of you sitting there, so attentive and orderly in your seats, ready for another year of political indoctrination, er, learning. And I can see you, you know. That NSA has got some pretty nifty gadgets.

Anyway, I want you all to study hard this year and get really good grades. You're going to need much bigger brains to understand the new health care system, tell ya that right now. In a nutshell, just don't get sick, okay?

And if you don't want to get sick (and you really, really don't), then you need to follow this exercise program that me and Bill Ayres came up with. Your teacher has passed out a funny little wooden stick we call the 'junior sickle.' Yes, that end is very sharp and you should be very careful with it. The kids whose parents made them stay home today are fair game, though. Kidding, kidding, but hey.

So, every morning before school, meet up with your friends at the local park and practice on the weeds growing there. Get really good at it, 'cause you'll need those skills when you grow up, trust me on this.

If you're worried about getting your Nike's and jeans dirty, don't. I've got these nice brown jumpsuits you can wear, instead. See the little patch? The German phrase there means "Work will make you free." So true, so true. And isn't the little red sash fashionable? You'll look good out there.

So, remember to keep sending those Emails about your parents' conversations, and study hard! Your government is always watching.