Barry, get a clue. Only your voters are mad at the banks. The rest of us, who got past third grade, aren't. We're mad at you, Barney Frank, Chuck Schumer, that Dodd guy, the Pee-Reid, and the rest of you corrupt, slope-headed handjob Democrats for putting a gun to the banks' heads and making them give out those stupid loans.
That crap you spouted plays well in Trailerville, Illinois, but the rest of us can read.
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
The real speech last night before a joint session of Congress
Peasants and vassals,
By now, you've realized how badly you screwed up by electing me. Some of you thought I was a Communist and, surprise! I am. I mean, look at how much of your money I just stole with the stimulus package! And this Recovery Act, oh man. You suckers will be paying the bills of illegal aliens and scofflaws for at least the next three generations. Too much, too much.
Now that is a pretty good start, but there's still lots to do before I have all of you in my power. I'm now going to make a move on healthcare, energy, and education. Healthcare first. It's real simple- once you reach 65 years old, we're going to kill you. Snuff you out. Soylent green is people! I love that movie.
Energy. Well, this is going to tie in to health care because there isn't going to be any energy so you'll have to walk everywhere and go to bed at dark. It's healthier.
And last, education. Tell you the truth, there isn't a whole helluva lot more I can do with it. It's working great. I mean, you elected me. But I do promise the Barack Obama Memorial schools will get new textbooks. We will teach your children what a racist country America is, despite last November (can I get a shout out to my homey Eric?), and that Jews and white people with Roman noses are responsible for all of the bad things that ever happened to any of the good, honest, natural people of color throughout the world. White people kill puppies, you know. Your children will learn new hymns of praise to the reborn Socialist Man and will sing it every day before going out to cut the sugar cane. That's also healthy.
So, thanks again for your vote, your money, your stupidity. I'll be coming by later to take your house and give it to some friends of mine.
By now, you've realized how badly you screwed up by electing me. Some of you thought I was a Communist and, surprise! I am. I mean, look at how much of your money I just stole with the stimulus package! And this Recovery Act, oh man. You suckers will be paying the bills of illegal aliens and scofflaws for at least the next three generations. Too much, too much.
Now that is a pretty good start, but there's still lots to do before I have all of you in my power. I'm now going to make a move on healthcare, energy, and education. Healthcare first. It's real simple- once you reach 65 years old, we're going to kill you. Snuff you out. Soylent green is people! I love that movie.
Energy. Well, this is going to tie in to health care because there isn't going to be any energy so you'll have to walk everywhere and go to bed at dark. It's healthier.
And last, education. Tell you the truth, there isn't a whole helluva lot more I can do with it. It's working great. I mean, you elected me. But I do promise the Barack Obama Memorial schools will get new textbooks. We will teach your children what a racist country America is, despite last November (can I get a shout out to my homey Eric?), and that Jews and white people with Roman noses are responsible for all of the bad things that ever happened to any of the good, honest, natural people of color throughout the world. White people kill puppies, you know. Your children will learn new hymns of praise to the reborn Socialist Man and will sing it every day before going out to cut the sugar cane. That's also healthy.
So, thanks again for your vote, your money, your stupidity. I'll be coming by later to take your house and give it to some friends of mine.
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
Tea party
Someone on Townhall has a great idea- send tea bags to Congress on Apr 15th. Well, maybe not the bags, that'd freak out the Secret Service. Just the tags.
Send lots.
Send lots.
Thursday, February 19, 2009
It's a new day in America
If you work hard, go to school, save your money, pay your taxes, scrimp and do without, then please, keep doing that. How else are we going to support all the people who won't? Good little peasant. Here, pull this cart, build that windmill.
I will work harder. Napoleon is always right.
I will work harder. Napoleon is always right.
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
Not with a bang
With the simple stroke of a pen, the execution order was signed. And there won't be any reprieve from the governor.
Monday, February 16, 2009
By the waters of Babylon
There was this country, once. Magnificent place. It was the only country ever started on a premise, that all of its citizens owned their own lives. Extraordinary. No one belonged to a king or a lord or a factory manager. No beadle could tell you where to stand or live or what to say and do. In fact, this country's charter listed what it could not do- could not make you shut up, could not take away your weapons, could not take your property. As long as you followed the natural law, everything else was open. Freedom, real freedom.
Now, not everybody bought into this. There was a group that held its self-regard as more important than the country. Those people defined freedom as getting to do whatever they wanted to do whenever they felt like it with absolutely no one else objecting, but no one else could do anything unless they personally approved. That's not freedom, and the country ended up in a civil war because those idiots actually wanted to hold slaves. Slaves! In a free country! Well, the free ones took care of that, and took care of the selfish and the criminal and the lustful, too. Justice was pretty swift back then because justice was known. And, after awhile, things got pretty good.
Country like that draws enemies, powerful ones that still loved kings and telling their people where to stand and what to think and what to do, and there were some hellacious wars. Any other country would have been overrun, but these people, something about them. They loved their freedom, their natural law, and they were willing to die for it. In fact, they sailed to other countries and willingly died to free strangers. No one had ever done that before. Hurt people all over the world looked at that country and saw a shining city on a hill and they came in droves, sometimes hiding out in ships or airplane wheelwells to get there.
But, people are people. And there is that nature that still wants to tell other people what to do. Turns out a magnificent country requires a rigorous, tough minded citizenry and, well, they only last so long. One generation went through an unbelievable economic collapse followed by an even more unbelievable world war and they said to their children, "Never again." So their children faced no challenges and never grew up and didn't like rigor or tough-mindedness and said there was no truth and there was no God so there was nothing that prevented them from having as good a time as they wanted. That included telling others what to do because it made them feel noble and good and better than the ones being told.
Pretty soon, it was no longer a magnificent country. Sweet speaking demagogues, promising unicorns and flowers, were raised as kings, and the people fell on their knees with clasped hands and bright smiles and tears on their cheeks in anticipation of bounty and favor.
And on their knees they stayed.
Now, not everybody bought into this. There was a group that held its self-regard as more important than the country. Those people defined freedom as getting to do whatever they wanted to do whenever they felt like it with absolutely no one else objecting, but no one else could do anything unless they personally approved. That's not freedom, and the country ended up in a civil war because those idiots actually wanted to hold slaves. Slaves! In a free country! Well, the free ones took care of that, and took care of the selfish and the criminal and the lustful, too. Justice was pretty swift back then because justice was known. And, after awhile, things got pretty good.
Country like that draws enemies, powerful ones that still loved kings and telling their people where to stand and what to think and what to do, and there were some hellacious wars. Any other country would have been overrun, but these people, something about them. They loved their freedom, their natural law, and they were willing to die for it. In fact, they sailed to other countries and willingly died to free strangers. No one had ever done that before. Hurt people all over the world looked at that country and saw a shining city on a hill and they came in droves, sometimes hiding out in ships or airplane wheelwells to get there.
But, people are people. And there is that nature that still wants to tell other people what to do. Turns out a magnificent country requires a rigorous, tough minded citizenry and, well, they only last so long. One generation went through an unbelievable economic collapse followed by an even more unbelievable world war and they said to their children, "Never again." So their children faced no challenges and never grew up and didn't like rigor or tough-mindedness and said there was no truth and there was no God so there was nothing that prevented them from having as good a time as they wanted. That included telling others what to do because it made them feel noble and good and better than the ones being told.
Pretty soon, it was no longer a magnificent country. Sweet speaking demagogues, promising unicorns and flowers, were raised as kings, and the people fell on their knees with clasped hands and bright smiles and tears on their cheeks in anticipation of bounty and favor.
And on their knees they stayed.
Thursday, February 12, 2009
The stimulus package
Wife: Our credit cards are all maxxed out.
Husband: Okay, no problem. Charge some more.
Wife: I just said they were all maxxed out.
Husband: No problem. Keep using them.
Wife: But I can't.
Husband: Oh. Right. Okay, here's a couple of more.
Wife: Where did you get…
Husband: Don't worry about it. Just use them.
Wife: But, how are we going to pay for them?
Husband: That's someone else's problem.
Wife: Whose?
Husband: Our kids, our neighbors, somebody in China, who knows? Just use them.
Wife: Okay!
Husband: Okay, no problem. Charge some more.
Wife: I just said they were all maxxed out.
Husband: No problem. Keep using them.
Wife: But I can't.
Husband: Oh. Right. Okay, here's a couple of more.
Wife: Where did you get…
Husband: Don't worry about it. Just use them.
Wife: But, how are we going to pay for them?
Husband: That's someone else's problem.
Wife: Whose?
Husband: Our kids, our neighbors, somebody in China, who knows? Just use them.
Wife: Okay!
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
Got one thing right
Yes, Barry, the people are very tired of the way Washington does business.
Like throwing tons of our money at pork projects, taking care of your friends, enriching yourselves, telling us all what to think, buy, and do, acting like we're employees.
That.
Like throwing tons of our money at pork projects, taking care of your friends, enriching yourselves, telling us all what to think, buy, and do, acting like we're employees.
That.
Monday, February 9, 2009
Choose your venues carefully
Elkhart, Indiana. Lots of people out of work because the RV plants have closed.
And why have the RV plants closed?
Because no one's buying RVs.
And why is no one buying RVs?
Because the price of oil went sky friggin' high after the Dumbocrats savagely opposed any and all attempts to get our own domestic supplies of oil which would ensure CHEAP and PLENTIFUL gas to run those RVs, and because the Dumbocrats and their enviroterrorist buddies assaulted the RV and the SUV as terrible carbon footprinted vehicles which are murdering the environment and anybody who drives them hates puppies and Jesus…
That's why.
And why have the RV plants closed?
Because no one's buying RVs.
And why is no one buying RVs?
Because the price of oil went sky friggin' high after the Dumbocrats savagely opposed any and all attempts to get our own domestic supplies of oil which would ensure CHEAP and PLENTIFUL gas to run those RVs, and because the Dumbocrats and their enviroterrorist buddies assaulted the RV and the SUV as terrible carbon footprinted vehicles which are murdering the environment and anybody who drives them hates puppies and Jesus…
That's why.
Sunday, February 8, 2009
Letter
Dear President Hopeychange,
By now, you've probably realized you're not in Kansas, er, Illinois, anymore. Too bad you didn't come up with that realization somewhere in your first two or three weeks of campaigning (when was that, two years ago?), but, now it's too late. You're stuck. That sinking feeling in your stomach? Epiphany. You're out of your league.
See, that's the problem when you think promotion is merely the obtaining of position. You got to be Harvard Law review chief because it's a cool sounding job. You got to be Illinois State Senator because that sounds pretty cool, too. Senator and President? Well, gee!
But, like all Prom Kings, the moment after you're elected, you're done. Prom King walks around on Inauguration Night going "Hey, this is cool." Next day, he goes back to class and football practice. Sure, his bitchy girlfriend is all proud for a day or two and maybe a couple of other girls are making overtures, but, a week later, it's really done. Yeah, there'll be a picture in the yearbook, but that'll only play at the ten and fifteen year reunion: "Hey, remember when I was Prom King?" "Yeah, man, cool. What are you doing now?"
So, what are you doing now? I'll tell you- proving all of us who saw you as nothing but an unworthy empty suit, right.
But, in the interests of the nation, which needs to survive you somehow, I'm going to give you some advice that might make your reign as Prom King a little better. Follow me here:
1. Don't trust Pelosi or Reid. On anything. Don't take a single bill they offer. Don't let them make any amendments to any bills at all. Knock them in the head a couple of times, in fact. They are a couple of idiots. You should know that; you served with them.
2. Stop speaking extemporaneously. Your true idiocy emerges when you do. That performance at the private retreat you and the Dumbocrats went to on your private planes? Pathetic. My jaw actually dropped in astonishment. I mean, I knew you weren't that bright but, Jesus! That little performance convinced me we'll have civil war in about six months, because you're, obviously, looking to set people against each other. Knock it off.
3. Give up your pet theories. Seriously, give them up. All those ideas of negative rights and the individual giving way to the mass was really cool in your Master's Seminars. A bunch of you standing around with your white-haired distinguished-accent professor sipping Earl Grey and speaking about modes of alienation, cool, great. But absolutely none of it applies to real life. You know full well that cutting taxes on people who actually pay taxes is the only way to get a stimulus going. Stop being an idiot.
See, Hopeychange, once you become an adult, you have to put childish things behind. You've had an extraordinary long run as an adolescent. If you still wanted to be one, you shouldn't have become president. That put you in the big leagues.
Act like it.
Your friend,
Schlub
By now, you've probably realized you're not in Kansas, er, Illinois, anymore. Too bad you didn't come up with that realization somewhere in your first two or three weeks of campaigning (when was that, two years ago?), but, now it's too late. You're stuck. That sinking feeling in your stomach? Epiphany. You're out of your league.
See, that's the problem when you think promotion is merely the obtaining of position. You got to be Harvard Law review chief because it's a cool sounding job. You got to be Illinois State Senator because that sounds pretty cool, too. Senator and President? Well, gee!
But, like all Prom Kings, the moment after you're elected, you're done. Prom King walks around on Inauguration Night going "Hey, this is cool." Next day, he goes back to class and football practice. Sure, his bitchy girlfriend is all proud for a day or two and maybe a couple of other girls are making overtures, but, a week later, it's really done. Yeah, there'll be a picture in the yearbook, but that'll only play at the ten and fifteen year reunion: "Hey, remember when I was Prom King?" "Yeah, man, cool. What are you doing now?"
So, what are you doing now? I'll tell you- proving all of us who saw you as nothing but an unworthy empty suit, right.
But, in the interests of the nation, which needs to survive you somehow, I'm going to give you some advice that might make your reign as Prom King a little better. Follow me here:
1. Don't trust Pelosi or Reid. On anything. Don't take a single bill they offer. Don't let them make any amendments to any bills at all. Knock them in the head a couple of times, in fact. They are a couple of idiots. You should know that; you served with them.
2. Stop speaking extemporaneously. Your true idiocy emerges when you do. That performance at the private retreat you and the Dumbocrats went to on your private planes? Pathetic. My jaw actually dropped in astonishment. I mean, I knew you weren't that bright but, Jesus! That little performance convinced me we'll have civil war in about six months, because you're, obviously, looking to set people against each other. Knock it off.
3. Give up your pet theories. Seriously, give them up. All those ideas of negative rights and the individual giving way to the mass was really cool in your Master's Seminars. A bunch of you standing around with your white-haired distinguished-accent professor sipping Earl Grey and speaking about modes of alienation, cool, great. But absolutely none of it applies to real life. You know full well that cutting taxes on people who actually pay taxes is the only way to get a stimulus going. Stop being an idiot.
See, Hopeychange, once you become an adult, you have to put childish things behind. You've had an extraordinary long run as an adolescent. If you still wanted to be one, you shouldn't have become president. That put you in the big leagues.
Act like it.
Your friend,
Schlub
Thursday, February 5, 2009
The bombing begins in five minutes
A friend of mine (yes, Schlub has friends) is a real Obamamaniac, is on the mailing list. He forwarded the finished version of this EMail to me, why, I dunno, but I did some research and found this draft version, which someone inadvertently left on a White House server:
From: President Barack Obama [mailto:info@barackobama.com] Sent: Monday, February 02, 2009 1:34 PM To: (cut)
Subject: What recovery means for you
Pat** --The economic crisis is growing more serious every day, and the time for action has come [JUST SEND US ALL YOUR MONEY] .
Last week, the House of Representatives passed the American Recovery and Reinvestment Act [CUTE TITLE, RIGHT? PEOPLE ACTUALLY THINK THAT'S WHAT IT IS!] , which will jumpstart our economy and put more than 3 million people back to work [FOR THE GOVERNMENT, MY LEGIONS, MY LEGIONS]. I hope to sign the recovery plan into law in the next few weeks [BEFORE SOME OF YOU IDIO...I MEAN, CITIZENS, ACTUALLY READ IT] . But I need your help to spread the word and build support.
It's not enough for this bill to simply pass Congress [THEY HAVE TO LOVE IT, TOO]. Americans need to know how it will affect their lives -- they need to know that help is on the way and that this administration is investing in economic growth and stability [JUST FOCUS ON THE LAST PART, KEEP REPEATING IT OVER AND OVER. YOU'LL COME TO BELIEVE IT.]
Governor Tim Kaine has agreed to record a video [THAT'S ONE BILLION GONE RIGHT THERE] outlining the recovery plan and answering questions about what it means for your community [THE QUESTIONS HAVE ALREADY BEEN CAREFULLY THOUGHT OUT AND PLANTED]. You can submit your questions online [HA! FAT CHANCE!] and then invite your friends, family, and neighbors to watch the video [SO WE CAN REGISTER YOU FOR THE NEW CIVILIAN CORPS. GOT THESE NIFTY BROWN UNIFORMS] with you at an Economic Recovery House Meeting [CUTE TITLE, HUH?].
Join thousands of people across the country by hosting or attending an Economic Recovery House Meeting this weekend. [OR ELSE] .
The stakes are too high to allow partisan politics to get in the way [IF I'M GOING TO TAKE OVER THIS COUNTRY, I CAN'T HAVE ANYBODY QUESTIONING MY METHODS] .That's why I've consulted with Republicans [HAHAHAHAHAAAAA! SORRY, COULDN'T RESIST] as well as Democrats to put together a plan that will address the crisis we face [JUST GIVE US ALL YOUR MONEY]. I've also taken steps to ensure an unprecedented level of transparency and accountability [MAN, I'VE TOLD YOU ABOUT OUR TAX CHEATING. HOW MUCH MORE TRANSPARENCY DO YOU NEED?]. Once it's passed, you will be able to see how every penny in this plan is being spent [YEP, AS WE TAKE YOUR HOUSE AWAY, YOU'LL SEE WHO WE'RE GIVING IT TO].
You can help restore confidence in our economy by making sure your friends, family, and neighbors understand how the recovery plan will impact your community [AND IF THEY DON'T, KILL THEM]. Sign up to host or attend an Economic Recovery House Meeting and submit your question for the video now:http://my.barackobama.com/recovery.
Our ability to come together as a nation in difficult times has never been more important [IF PEOPLE WISE UP, I CAN'T TAKE]. I know I can rely on your spirit and resolve as we lead our country to recovery [OR I'LL KILL YOU] .
Thank you,President Barack Obama
P.S. -- If you can't host or attend an Economic Recovery House Meeting, you can still submit your questions for Governor Kaine and then share the video with your friends and family this weekend. Learn more here:http://my.barackobama.com/recovery [INVITE A SALLIE MAE GUY. THEY GAVE ME A LOT OF MONEY]
[MAN, I CAN'T BELIEVE THESE IDIOTS ARE ACTUALLY BUYING THIS. WELL, SHOULDN'T BE SURPRISED, THEY DID VOTE FOR ME....WHOOPS! IS THIS THING STILL ON?]
From: President Barack Obama [mailto:info@barackobama.com] Sent: Monday, February 02, 2009 1:34 PM To: (cut)
Subject: What recovery means for you
Pat** --The economic crisis is growing more serious every day, and the time for action has come [JUST SEND US ALL YOUR MONEY] .
Last week, the House of Representatives passed the American Recovery and Reinvestment Act [CUTE TITLE, RIGHT? PEOPLE ACTUALLY THINK THAT'S WHAT IT IS!] , which will jumpstart our economy and put more than 3 million people back to work [FOR THE GOVERNMENT, MY LEGIONS, MY LEGIONS]. I hope to sign the recovery plan into law in the next few weeks [BEFORE SOME OF YOU IDIO...I MEAN, CITIZENS, ACTUALLY READ IT] . But I need your help to spread the word and build support.
It's not enough for this bill to simply pass Congress [THEY HAVE TO LOVE IT, TOO]. Americans need to know how it will affect their lives -- they need to know that help is on the way and that this administration is investing in economic growth and stability [JUST FOCUS ON THE LAST PART, KEEP REPEATING IT OVER AND OVER. YOU'LL COME TO BELIEVE IT.]
Governor Tim Kaine has agreed to record a video [THAT'S ONE BILLION GONE RIGHT THERE] outlining the recovery plan and answering questions about what it means for your community [THE QUESTIONS HAVE ALREADY BEEN CAREFULLY THOUGHT OUT AND PLANTED]. You can submit your questions online [HA! FAT CHANCE!] and then invite your friends, family, and neighbors to watch the video [SO WE CAN REGISTER YOU FOR THE NEW CIVILIAN CORPS. GOT THESE NIFTY BROWN UNIFORMS] with you at an Economic Recovery House Meeting [CUTE TITLE, HUH?].
Join thousands of people across the country by hosting or attending an Economic Recovery House Meeting this weekend. [OR ELSE] .
The stakes are too high to allow partisan politics to get in the way [IF I'M GOING TO TAKE OVER THIS COUNTRY, I CAN'T HAVE ANYBODY QUESTIONING MY METHODS] .That's why I've consulted with Republicans [HAHAHAHAHAAAAA! SORRY, COULDN'T RESIST] as well as Democrats to put together a plan that will address the crisis we face [JUST GIVE US ALL YOUR MONEY]. I've also taken steps to ensure an unprecedented level of transparency and accountability [MAN, I'VE TOLD YOU ABOUT OUR TAX CHEATING. HOW MUCH MORE TRANSPARENCY DO YOU NEED?]. Once it's passed, you will be able to see how every penny in this plan is being spent [YEP, AS WE TAKE YOUR HOUSE AWAY, YOU'LL SEE WHO WE'RE GIVING IT TO].
You can help restore confidence in our economy by making sure your friends, family, and neighbors understand how the recovery plan will impact your community [AND IF THEY DON'T, KILL THEM]. Sign up to host or attend an Economic Recovery House Meeting and submit your question for the video now:http://my.barackobama.com/recovery.
Our ability to come together as a nation in difficult times has never been more important [IF PEOPLE WISE UP, I CAN'T TAKE]. I know I can rely on your spirit and resolve as we lead our country to recovery [OR I'LL KILL YOU] .
Thank you,President Barack Obama
P.S. -- If you can't host or attend an Economic Recovery House Meeting, you can still submit your questions for Governor Kaine and then share the video with your friends and family this weekend. Learn more here:http://my.barackobama.com/recovery [INVITE A SALLIE MAE GUY. THEY GAVE ME A LOT OF MONEY]
[MAN, I CAN'T BELIEVE THESE IDIOTS ARE ACTUALLY BUYING THIS. WELL, SHOULDN'T BE SURPRISED, THEY DID VOTE FOR ME....WHOOPS! IS THIS THING STILL ON?]
Tuesday, February 3, 2009
In search of an honest Democrat
Geez. Lou. Eeze.
I guess if you hang out with terrorists, real estate frauds, and raving racists, you don't have much experience with law abidin' folk.
That's why the Marxist hired a Republican- at least one guy in his cabinet will pay taxes.
I guess if you hang out with terrorists, real estate frauds, and raving racists, you don't have much experience with law abidin' folk.
That's why the Marxist hired a Republican- at least one guy in his cabinet will pay taxes.
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